DS Comedy
by Thor2000
Summary: What if Dark Shadows had been created and produced by Mel Brooks? Vicki gets sent back to the past again and skews the timeline. How much damage can she do? Now updated with new material!
1. Default Chapter

Alexandra Molkte voice over: "Night has fallen on the great estate of Collinwood in Parallel Time, a world similar to our own, but with strange and fascinating differences... Here, Carolyn and Victoria Stoddard are the daughters of Collins Matriarch Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard…"

The picture changes to a day scene.

"I'm sorry," She starts again. "Morning has suddenly risen over the Old House... Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah, another reality… Yadda, yadda, yadda… and Maggie Evans is the Governess to young David Collins. Maggie is in love with Quentin, the cousin of Elizabeth and…"

The first picture returns.

"I was right before." She tries again. "Night blankets the great escape...Estate..." She corrected herself. "…which is also the home of Barnabas Collins, now freed of the curse which exiled him to an unholy existence as a member of the undead. Barnabas is married to his beautiful and mysterious wife Angelique…."

The morning scene comes back.

"All right..." She tries again. "A brief eclipse had attacked the estate as a certain actress starts getting hostile at the director. Meanwhile, in the grand drawing room... yadda, yadda, yadda... You can pick it up from there."

In the Collinwood drawing room, beautiful heiress Carolyn Collins Stoddard sat reading her book peacefully on the sofa before the fireplace mantel as the portrait of Jeremiah Collins looked down upon her. She looked up at him and felt the implausible feeling her ancestor's brother was mentally undressing her and buttoned another button on her blouse. Thinking about it another minute, she changed her mind and unbuttoned it again then one more with a light little grin. At the desk, the family governess Maggie Evans sat preparing the lessons of Carolyn's cousin, David. Things were momentarily serene as the attractive blonde heiress felt a hand grab her long blonde hair and pull her head back against the sofa. Her cousin, David, emerged dressed in khakis and holding a plastic knife to her neck.

"Die Commie bimbo!"

"David, you little maggot," Carolyn screamed. "Let go of my hair!"

"David," Maggie barely responded. She just continued writing complacent to the event. "At least wait till the bleach weakens the roots. It'll come out easier then."

"What are you insinuating?" The blonde heiress pushed her cousin back, dropped her book and rose to her feet to confront her cousin's governess. "Are you implying my hair isn't real? I'll just have you know that everything on my body is original!"

"Isn't there a shelf life on those things?" Maggie looked at her breasts.

Carolyn dropped her jaw and started pulling on Maggie's hair, and Maggie started clawing back. Behind them, David whipped out a small camera and started taping the melee. He knew he could get up to a thousand dollars for each tape on the Internet if they started tearing at each other's clothes. He taped their fight as they nearly knocked over the desk then stumbled backward to the window seat.

"Carolyn, Maggie..." Carolyn's older brunette sister, Victoria Winters Stoddard, came running and stopped the fight. She put her arms between them and pushed Carolyn back then braced Maggie off to the side. "Please, can't I do one voice-over without you two killing each other? We have to live with each other here. We're friends. Carolyn, you're my sister and I love you. And Maggie, I..."

"How did I end up with Mary Poppins as a sister?" Carolyn screamed as if she was losing it.

"Please, Vicki," Maggie sighed and rolled her eyes while fixing her hair as David waited for the fighting to restart. "This doesn't concern you."

"You're not even dating!" Carolyn added.

"I am so!" Vicki insisted.

"Oh please," Carolyn added again. "You went through Burke, Peter, Jeff, Tom Jennings, Barnabas and Richard Garner, and he even asked to get out of the series!" She had just made it personal.

"You're going down, blondie!" Vicki started choking her. Maggie watched for just a moment cheering on the fighting.

"Get her! Get her!" She then flashed back on a guy she once very much liked, bent her arm back and patted her elbow. "And this is for taking Joe Haskell!" She jumped back into the fracas aiming for the blonde head, but accidentally got Vicki in the back. They were fighting like teenage girls again and David loved it! Carolyn had Maggie in a headlock as he restarted filming again. At that moment, Quentin Collins appeared and stood in the drawing room doors and watched the three ladies tearing at each other as a slight grin appeared on his lips.

"Ladies," He mused. "If you're fighting over me, I'd be happy to date all of you, but at least do it right, I can have the mud ready in ten minutes." He turned to David. "Save me a tape." David gave a thumb up. Outside the drawing room, Elizabeth Collins-Stoddard passed through the foyer and glanced in barely acknowledging the fight. For a minute, it didn't seem to register with her. She just kept heading toward the end of the house, but then the image truly hit her brain and she came rushing back. Hurrying back and entering the room, she re-noticed the fighting and began pushing through to break it up.

"Carolyn! Vicki!" She grabbed and pulled up Carolyn who was the lightest and often the instigator. "Maggie! I'm surprised at you three! The three of you are my daughters and..." Maggie suddenly looked at her suspiciously.

"I mean…" Liz restarted again. "One of you has always felt like a daughter to me." She rolled her eyes secretly.

"But I can't take you three fighting like a bunch of..."

"Hookers?" David commented innocently. The three looked at him both annoyed and surprised that he actually used that word.

"I don't need any help." She turned to David and Quentin in the liquor cabinet. "You have to learn to get along..." She did a double take as she realized that both her teenage nephew and Quentin were drinking brandy. Quentin made a face and acted as if he meant to drink from both glasses as the younger man bemoaned the loss.

"Anyway..." Liz continued. "What started this fight?"

"Maggie implied I was easy." Carolyn commented thusly as Maggie secretly reached behind Vicki and hit the short blonde upside the back of her head. Carolyn and Vicki glared at her as if they were a trio of competitive high school girls again.

"Maggie," Liz sighed and turned her back to the sherry on the liquor cabinet. "Carolyn is not 'easy.' She's just popular." Behind her back while she wasn't looking, Carolyn smacked Maggie upside the head. Vicki pinched her to punish her then Maggie extended two fingers and eye-poked Carolyn who reared her fist about to punch Vicki in the stomach, but she dropped her arm the second her mother turned around to pretend to be innocent with Vicki and Maggie.

"Popular?" Maggie responded. "Oh please! The football team retired her cheerleader uniform!"

"Could you keep those merchant marines quiet at night." Quentin came up and whispered to Carolyn secretly. "I'm not getting any sleep with you parading them through the West Wing."

"I can't sneak them in through the window since the Congressman crashed through the trellis." She whispered back.

"Liz..." Elizabeth's brother and David's father, Roger Collins, called through the foyer for his sister as Vicki and Carolyn sighed and departed trapped in their adolescent rivalry. He was carrying papers from his lawyer's office.

"If you have a minute, could you sign this trillion dollar life insurance policy?"

"Roger," Liz sat at the desk as Maggie escorted David back to his lessons. "Another trillion-dollar life insurance policy? I'm starting to think you're trying to kill me."

"Liz!" Roger was taken aback by the accusation. "You are my sister and I love you very much. We've been friends together since childhood. I can't imagine my life without you." He paused and dropped the loving brother act.

"Sign on the dotted line right there..." He pointed on the paper. "By the way, I've had the brakes on your car adjusted for you, and Mrs. Johnson made you a sandwich in the kitchen." He turned a second to the liquor cabinet and turned around with a teacup bubbling over with smoke. "Here's your tea." He grinned his usual conniving grin.

"And where did you get that?" Liz looked at the bubbling brew with one eyebrow perched higher than her other one. "The Munsters?"

"No, course not…" Roger scoffed. "They're on another completely different network. Actually, it's the same special blend Barnabas gives to Angelique." He insisted.

"Barnabas..." On the sofa, Maggie caught David staring at her chest again when he looked back up to her eyes from over his math. "He sure gives me the creeps. I know he's married now, but looking back at the attacks we had a few years ago, I wonder if he could been the vampire who tried kidnapping me."

"A vampire?" Quentin sat in the chair before the fireplace with the local newspaper. Across its headlines read

"Twenty-Third Girl Found Drained Of Blood." He noticed the headline and revised his comment. "It's just a coincidence, and besides, Barnabas isn't a vampire." He insisted. "He's a happily married man. I mean, just because he's gone during the day, avoids mirrors, prefers his steaks extra raw and bloody, keeps a coffin in the basement, names Bela Lugosi as a reference, owns a Team Edward t-shirt and only eats Count Chocula cereal doesn't make him a vampire."

"What does it make him?" Liz asked.

"Eccentric!" Quentin raised his third brandy.


	2. Chapter 2

2

The Collinwood Estate was quiet and serene as the woods and trees that covered the grounds slowly woke up to the rising sun. The squirrels skittered among the tree branches and the rabbits emerged from their holes to forage for food. The landscape was providing to the smaller denizens of the estate as frogs skipped across the creek that broke through part of the property. The sun was rising slowly as a solitary deer lowered its head to drink from the waters and then stopped and reared its head. It suddenly jolted and fled in a panic as all the other animals fled for their lives. Everything from a cricket to mole to squirrel began running in fear. Something was coming through the woods as squirrels hastily returned to their trees and rabbits unable to return to their hutches suddenly dug new ones to escape what was coming. The frogs took a deep breath of air and hid under floating mulch as a force more unrelenting than anything known to the world terrified the grounds. David Collins suddenly appeared and stood at the crest of the hill and pulled out his slingshot: the deadliest weapon known to man or beast. His eyes scanned the area as even the crickets went silent. The holy terror reached down and picked up a good-sized pebble and aimed it with sadistic intent as he pulled back on the rubber sling and let go. Another robin screamed like a woman and dropped like a World War Two Avenger in the Bermuda Triangle.

"Cowabunga, dude!" The junior terrorist grinned then rolled his eyes. "Cowabunga? I sound like a Ninja turtle or something..."

"Hi, David..."

"Hi..." He turned around. "Sara?" He hadn't seen her in years. She was still dressed in the same old-fashioned dress and bonnet, but she looked a bit different as his eyes rounded from the shock. When he last saw her, she was a girl about his age of ten or eleven, but now that he was fourteen, certain things made her look different. She was now cuter, shapelier and still wearing the same outfit she had those many years ago, but now it seemed to be tighter and shorter on her more adolescent figure, stirring the same weird feelings he had for his governess.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Well, you've, uh... changed." David couldn't help staring.

"I suppose it happens." Sara answered.

"But you're a ghost." David answered. "Ghosts don't go through…" He looked down again and cleared his throat with his eyes nervously turning left and right. "Puberty."

"And when was the last time this series had anything to do with real ghosts?" Sara made a point as David continued staring. "David?"

"I'm sorry," David looked up to her eyes. "Did you say something?" His mind was wandering as he tried to think of other things. For some reason, the voice of Daniel Stern went through his head as if he had just gotten a close-up.

"It been a long time since I had seen the ghost of Winnie Cooper...er, I mean, Sara Collins. After all these years, I was starting to think her ghost had been a figment of my imagination. Only now the figment was back and I was experiencing things I'd never thought possible. I didn't think of her as a weird ghost girl anymore. There was a stirring within in me that only 'Dear Abby' could explain. In fact, I could see my letter now: Dear Abby, When I was younger I was sometimes haunted by the ghost of a little girl, only now she's back, and she's starting to look very good..."

"David?"

"What?" The young terror broke out of his trance. "Oh, I'm sorry. Were you saying something?"

"You were looking at my chest and sort of just fazed out on me." Sara brushed her long brown hair back with her hand.

"I'm sorry." David sat down with her on the short ledge overlooking the tree line. "So what have you been doing?"

"Oh, the usual..." Sara confessed. "Anything to keep busy: short sheeting the beds, switching the sugar and salt, putting soap in the margarine and watering the liquor. Haven't you ever wondered why everyone drinks and drinks here and never gets drunk?" She paused a second to brush her long hair back again. "At night, I sell sandwiches to Carolyn's boyfriends waiting in the hallway outside her bedroom..."

"Are you doing all that stuff?" David looked back at her. "I'm getting blamed for some of that! Knock it off! It ain't any fun to be punished unless I earn it."

"I'm sorry." She looked back at him.

"Say, Sara..." David looked at her a second. "You know, there's this game we play in the Twentieth Century. It's called "Doctor" and we should be able to play it..." He looked back and she was gone! "Crap!" He cursed. "And I was so close!"

"David!" Someone called him.

"Sara?"

"Who?" Maggie emerged from near the path to the Old House. "Come on and return back to the main house. You still have biology to cover. Where's that little girl you were talking to? I saw her from up there. Where'd she go?"

"Oh," David rolled his eyes as Maggie led him back up the path with her arm on his shoulders. "She's a friend; a very old friend, but I'm kind of hoping for something more..."

"Well, that's good." Maggie continued. "You know, you need more friends around here. Something to keep you out of mischief."

"Well, if there's something I know about…" David grinned while he walked with her back to the main house. "It's mischief." He picked up his tote bag where he'd dropped it minutes ago. Across the bottom, it read, "Property of Bart Simpson."

"Is Uncle Quentin home, yet, Maggie?" He asked.

"Not yet, why?"

"I asked him to pick me up some things." David confessed.

"Like a model ship or Green Army men?"

"No…" David didn't play with those things anymore. "More like bottle rockets, nose rockets, cherry bombs, fireworks…"

"David!" Maggie shook her head at him. "What do you want with that sort of stuff?"

"Oh, just general stuff…" He postured his head around a bit than directly answer her. "You really like my Uncle Quentin, don't you, Maggie."

"Yes, but you know, he's not really your uncle." Maggie corrected his thinking as they reached the top of the hill. "Quentin, your father and Aunt Liz all share the same great-grandfather, Gabriel Collins, which makes them cousins. Now, to you, that makes Quentin your…" Maggie tried figuring it out in her head. "Oh, just call him your uncle…"

"But if you marry him, that makes you my Aunt Maggie, right?"

"Yes…." Maggie couldn't help but sign romantically and picture it happening in her head. "Quentin marrying me would make me your aunt, and our kids would be your cousins." Maggie now grinned like a teenage girl again. "Kids… I've always wanted to be a mommy. Even back when I worked at the diner, I used to fantasize about…"

"Ooogah-chaka, ooogah-chaka, ooooooogah-oooogah-chaka..." A dancing baby appeared to Maggie and David on the walkway around the main house. It was a visual presence of her ticking biological clock counting down how much time she still had to conceive a baby, but to David, it just looked like a creepy chubby and wingless cherub. It had emerged from near the trees along the outside of the first floor dining room, danced in a circle around them shook its diaper at her then vanished doing a jog down the hill to the retaining wall supporting the lower driveway. The auburn-haired governess froze where she was in stunned surprise.

"Maggie?" David looked at her. "What the heck was that?"

"Oh god, I've got to stop watching _Ally McBeal_…" Maggie put her hand to her head. "I'm turning into Calista Flockhart!"


	3. Chapter 3

3

Liz sipped her tea as she looked at the members of her family. It was a few minutes since they had finished dinner and the dinnertime discussion was winding down. Barnabas and Angelique had come up from the Old House where it seemed as if they were sometimes hiding, Quentin the eternal playboy was putting the moves on Maggie while Carolyn was chewing gum as she read her magazine. David scowled to her and hit her in the shoulder as if they were brother and sister.

"Mosquito." he claimed. Carolyn scowled back at him and reared her arm back just before she punched him in the stomach.

"Tapeworm." She made her excuse then settled back on to the sofa to read her celebrity magazine. David fell over in pain.

"Please tell me I'm not related to these people." Liz mumbled to herself as David held his stomach and started to leave the room in pain. His father was escorting him out as Julia entered the room behind them.

"Why is it so quiet around here?" She asked. "I know we don't have a TV, but there must be something we can do."

"Let's have a human sacrifice." Carolyn looked Vicki, her hated sister.

"Angelique volunteers to be it." Barnabas pulled his wife's hand up.

"Don't you know I'll never leave you?" She answered to him as she lowered her arm. "Even in death, I won't leave you."

"I know..." Barnabas died a bit inside. "You keep reminding me, but we married until death do us part and that means after that, I'm free to date!"

"I have an idea." Quentin leaned back as he downed his brandy. "Let's have a séance. We haven't had a good one since we tried to contact Marilyn Monroe."

"And you hit on her too!" Carolyn answered.

"I have an idea." Vicki beamed with her usual sugary disposition and turned to the cabinet to pull out a board game. "How about... Twister!" She pulled out the box. "Oh, and it says it's for adults too…"

"You know," Looking over to her briefly, Julia thought it over. "A good séance is just what we need around here!" She looked to Vicki. "Anything to kill the cheery disposition in here."

"Oh god..." Maggie was extremely hesitant as everyone started pulling out chairs around the table. "I'll do it, but if anyone gets sucked back in time or vomits pea soup, I'm leaving!"

"That's the spirit!" Quentin beamed as Angelique rushed to sit by her Barnabas. Carolyn started to take the next seat between him and her mother as Willie passed the door to the room. Casually looking in as he passed the room, he was carrying a box of junk and scrap metal he was cleaning out of the basement just before he briefly checked the blonde heiress out and admired her figure.

"Willie," Carolyn looked him over. "Want to join us for a séance."

"I don't know." He mulled it over.

"You can sit across from me." She tossed her hair over knowing his little infatuation with her.

"I don't know."

"I'll let you smell my hair."

"Not this time…"

"I'll let you watch when I change for bed."

"I'm in." He set the box on the table in the foyer and followed her into the drawing room while Quentin turned off the lights and closed the door. Pulling a chair out, Willie sat across from Carolyn just as the lights went off. As Quentin sat down by Maggie, he turned in the darkness to see who he was sitting by and saw a ghoulish white face with dark eyes in the blackened room staring back at him.

"Magda's back!" He started to stand. "Run for it!"

"That's Julia." Maggie pulled him back down.

"Oh..." The Collins playboy was a bit embarrassed as he grinned a bit smarmy to the good doctor. Julia just peered back at him disgustedly through the darkness. "Logical mistake…I knew it was her all the time." He rolled his eyes embarrassingly just before Julia tried grabbing the candlestick to hit him, but Barnabas and Angelique stopped her and took it way from her. Leading the spirited ritual, Julia dropped the candlestick and irritatingly took a deep breath before placing her hands with her palms down flat to the table.

"Okay, let's join hands..." She requested as everyone started taking the hands of the people around them. Not understanding the premise of the game, Willie confusingly put his left hand into his right hand.

"With each other..." Julia clarified herself.

"Angelique," Barnabas sounded a bit irritated. "Take your hand off my knee."

"I'm not doing that." She answered.

"Sorry," Carolyn pulled her hands out from under the table. "I thought you was Quentin." She beamed abashedly as Vicki shook her head embarrassingly. In the darkness, Quentin was getting into the psychic mood by gradually swaying side to side. To get him further into the mood, he was wearing Stevie Wonder glasses and slightly singing to himself in hushed whispers.

"My Cherie Amour..." He lightly mumbled the Stevie Wonder lyrics. "As Pretty As A Summer's Day..."

"Gimme those things!" Carolyn snapped and pulled the glasses off his face. "You don't give them justice, and besides..." She pulled them on herself. "I'm the one with the look!"

"Let's just do this." Liz snatched them from her as Carolyn once again proved how much she was in love with herself.

"Yes," Julia started with her voice lowered and slowed down to contact ghosts. "We call upon the spirits of Collinwood to show themselves. We beseech you to show your presence..."

"Beseech?" Maggie asked with one eye on Julia.

"We call upon the ghosts that haunt this estate..." Julia called. Outside the drawing room, Roger same down the staircase and stopped on the bottom step near the front door as he departed the second floor. He heard the chanting coming from inside as he rolled his eyes at the indignity of a séance. Another one? This was the fourth séance in a month! He begged Liz to install Comcast cable in the house, but, no, she said it was too expensive even by their standards. He then noticed the box Willie had left behind from the basement on the table. He grinned as the prospect of showing them a good lesson and looked for some props he could use from it.

"Are you there, spirits?" Julia asked the dark room. Roger started rattling a chain found in the box.

"They're here!" Maggie heard the rattling and started screaming. "They're here!" She started grabbing Quentin and crawling into his lap.

"Wow," Carolyn looked to Willie then Quentin. "A ghost to ghost broadcast!"

"Spirits..." Julia continued. "Please tell us if you are here. Rap once for yes, twice for no."

In the foyer, Roger chuckled silently and in his own sense of fun rapped three times.

"Julia, " Liz looked around. "I think they're dyslexic. They misunderstood the message."

"I don't think the signal is going through very well." Vicki answered confusingly. "Want to try again?"

"Spirits," Julia frowned a bit confused. "Do you have a message for us?"

"Yes!" Roger marched into the room clanging the chain and dumping it on the table. "A chain letter!" He began laughing at the top of his lungs and dropped the chains he'd been rattling on to the table before holding his hands to his chest for a hearty laugh.

"Roger!" Liz screamed at him. "You ruined the game!"

The darkened chandelier above their heads began shaking violently at the offense as the sound of winds whistled through the tiny holes through the house. It sounded like a moan coming down the fireplace and a growl across the upstairs corridor as Quentin looked for an explanation. Willie dived under the table for Carolyn's skirts, and Angelique grabbed Barnabas. Vicki was scared to death as Maggie squeezed Quentin for solace. Roger began thinking that there had to be an explanation and reached to hit the lights as the windows crashed open from the sudden thunderstorm outside, but it was oddly tranquil and quiet as the room lit up with electric lights. There was a sudden empty seat at the table.

"Vicki's gone!" Liz screamed.

"Yes!" Carolyn cheered. "One down! One to go!" She looked at Maggie.

"Oh no..." Maggie remembered the last time. "Not again!"

Barnabas stood and dragged Angelique in her chair around the table. She watched a bit confused as he pulled Vicki's empty chair aside, pushed Angelique into its place and replaced it with his wife in her chair and then returned to his seat.

"All right," He replied sitting down with his hands to the table. "One more time, full blast!"


	4. Chapter 4

4

Alexandra Moltke voice-over: "There has been a séance at the great house at Collinwood and one of their own has vanished. Captured by forces she does not understand, Victoria Winters has been thrust back through time and... say, is this a rerun or something? I'm sure I've read this before."

Dan Curtis addendum: "Just read the card!"

Finding herself lost on the grounds of the estate from a patch of woods she didn't know, Victoria Winters pushed through a bit disoriented past the bushes and low tree limbs of Collinwood. She was a bit disoriented as she recalled the séance in the drawing room, but now her mind turned to where she was now. She recognized the main house from afar, but it seemed somehow different, almost newer and the trees lining the front of it seemed smaller. They were mere saplings compared to how she knew them.

"I don't understand what's going on here." She mumbled to herself then paused. "Now if I had a quarter for every time I said that!"

She heard a rustling in the trees before her. Someone was coming to meet her. She backed to the oak tree behind her as she waited in fear of the person coming toward her. Someone was coming toward her. "Please don't be Jason Voorhees…" It was a large robust man in dark clothes with a velvet-lined cap followed by another man with a fur cap and heavy wool coat.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Winters." Count Andreas Petofi stood with Aristede by his side. "We've been waiting for you."

"Oh god, no!" Victoria turned and screamed to the sky. "Why are you doing this to me?" She turned and started bawling into the tree. "Not this story line! For the love of god, not this storyline! I'd rather put up with the Leviathans than live through this plot! It just drags on forever! It never stops!" She started blubbering.

"Master," Aristede turned to Petofi. "May I torture her now?"

"Oh, believe me..." Vicki stammered through her tears. "I'm being tortured!"

Kathryn Leigh Scott voice-over: "Collinwood in 1975, there has been a séance at the great house at Collinwood and one of their own has vanished. Captured by forces she does not understand, Victoria… What? The episode already started? It's five minutes in? Crap and a half, I knew I should have changed faster. I never get to do these…"

In the drawing room, the family was standing around confused around the table in the drawing room. Quentin and Barnabas looked for Vicki under the table in case she had fainted. Willie was opening drawers and cabinets in case she had been shrunk or stuffed inside one of them. Julia looked at him and shook her head in denial rather than set him straight. Roger stood perplexed with his arms crossed. Liz and Maggie watched as Carolyn jumped and danced around the room singing to herself. She was an only child again!

"Vicki's gone!" Maggie stood up and stared to the empty chair.

"She's gone alright." Barnabas placed his hands to the table. "Now, let's go again and send Angelique to join her."

"Barnabas," Liz reacted with concern. "We've got to get her back!"

"Ding dong, Vicki's gone..." Carolyn was singing and dancing and jumping up and down through the room in glee. "Who is gone? My stupid sister's gone..."

"Carolyn!" Liz tried to scold her.

"It is a catchy little beat she's got..." Maggie started shaking head to the beat and snapping her fingers. "Can I have Vicki's clothes? I mean – I'm going to have to take them in at the ass…"

"There will be enough of that!" Liz glared to Maggie. Julia stood in alarm and walked around Quentin deep in thought. He noticed a piece of paper floating down from the chandelier.

"You know..." Julia narrowed her eyes as she tried to be provoking. "If you take into account the time since the last séance, the position of the stars, the length of the séance and the number of people present, I'd say she went back to 1897."

"That's an incredible assumption, Julia." Roger folded his arms. "How did you get that figure?"

"Oh, just a guess..." Julia proudly grinned at herself.

"What about this note that Sara's ghost left us saying that she was in 1897?" Quentin poked a hole in her ego.

"Well," Julia shot him a look. "That helped me a little."

"1897!" Angelique placed her hand to her heart. "Wasn't there a vampire attack in that year?"

Everyone turned his or her heads to Barnabas silently listening. He glanced up to Maggie then Carolyn, Roger, Liz and then to everyone else.

"Why is everyone looking at me for?" He responded quite offended. "It's not like I was there."

"Well, let's see..." Angelique sat down devotingly next to him on the sofa. "Let's just remember how many candles were on your last birthday cake!"

"Well," Barnabas looked back at her. "How about your birthday cake last month which turned out to be a fire hazard!"

"Ick, vampires..." Carolyn slipped through the discussion. "They're just so toothy. I mean, have you seen the actresses who play vampires in the movies?" She sat down in the chair and bounced her leg with a bit of sass. "They all look prim and proper when they're normal and then they become vampires and they get big hair, big breasts, perfect little Jennifer Lopez asses..." She started listening to herself and slowly broke a little smile. "Barnabas, are you absolutely, positively sure you're not a vampire?" She leaned over and placed her hand on his knee as Angelique watched jealously.

"Carolyn," He started as Angelique jealously removed Carolyn's hand. "I can assure you, I may be a lot a things, but vampire is definitely not one of them."

"Neither is a devoted husband or lover." Angelique mumbled under her breath as she stroked her hair.

"I've got one question." Willie stood near the doors. "How much damage can Vicki do in 1895?"

Eighty years to the past, Victoria had been abducted by Petofi and Aristede and chained to a table by her hands and legs. At first, Petofi wanted her secret to traveling through time, but through the time of his interrogating her, he had drifted quite a bit off subject.

"Who's President of the United States in 1975?" He asked her. "Will the Lakers win the World Series? Will I really get a cramp if I go in the pool before five minutes are over?" He picked up a manuscript. "This is my manuscript; do you think its good enough to be made into a movie?"

"No, no, no, no, no!" Vicki screamed. "No more questions!" Petofi looked down upon her from behind his thick glasses.

"You will tell me all I want to know and more." He turned away to Aristede. "I have other things to do. I must get my snacks before "Big Bang Theory" starts; I need to know if Penny and Leonard get back together." He looked back to Vicki temporarily. "Aristede, you have the helm."

"Yes, master…" Aristede turned back to Victoria as his twisted master exited to the next room. The far away sounds of a TV came on from a far room. Vicki looked up from the table from which she was chained as a huge blade swung side-by-side over her and gradually worked it's way down. She felt like she was in a Hammer Studio movie with Vincent Price! Aristede grinned at his new toy as Victoria was about to become the late Victoria Winters Stoddard.

"Aristede..." She pleaded for her life. "Please! Let's talk about this!"

"Okay, my Cheese Cake-scented goddess…" He stopped his Poe-like torture device. "I can split you across the waist or from your head down to your..." He stared down her chest pointing straight up with a wry grin as she listened. "You'd be your own best friend, or... You could go out with me?" He grinned his best grin as he started combing and straightening his hair.

"Start the blade again." She rolled her eyes away and gritted her teeth to await the pain.

"Why do you ladies always choose death?" He reached to start it swinging again.

"Wait!" Vicki screamed. "Well, maybe we could find a dark restaurant..." She looked at him again. He looked a troll doll with a Beatles haircut. "A VERY dark restaurant and then we could..." Her voice continued lowering until it was inaudible.

"What? What? I can't hear you." He leaned down to hear her whispering. She started describing things in his ear as he grinned ear to ear. "Oh, Miss Winters-Stoddard, you're a bad girl. A very BAD girl... Are you nibbling at my ear? No girl has ever..." His heart began pounding a bit faster than he could handle and his eyes rolled back as his heart gave out from the excitement.

"Men..." Vicki squeezed her hands out of her shackles. "Their brains are in their boxers... and they can't lock a decent handcuff either."


	5. Chapter 5

5

It was late at night when a light went on in the Old House on the great estate of Collinwood. Barnabas Collins pulled his robe on and tied it closed as he stumbled down the dark hall and down to the front stairs.

"I can't sleep with that woman in my bed." He was complaining about having to be a married man to prevent having to lurk through the dark city to fulfill a horrible curse. "Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the back yard." He sat in his chair and stoked the fires in the fireplace until the flames fired up once more.

"Well," He reconsidered the option of burying Angelique. "I can, but she keeps coming back." He sighed as he reflected on lost loves and the nibbling he used to do. He once could have all the women he wanted, but sometimes it seemed as if the women he didn't want were always trying to get him to marry them. He heard a rustling in the kitchen. It sounded as if he had a visitor.

"Josette?"

"Yes, dear?" Often nicknamed by Barnabas as "Willie The Mooch," Willie answered in his best female voice. A beer in one hand and a sandwich and bag of chips in the other one, he emerged from the back hall and wandered over to Barnabas sitting by the fire.

"Willie," Barnabas looked at him. "You don't live here anymore."

"I know but this house is so much more cozier than the cottage." Willie took a bite of his sandwich and sipped his beer. "It's warmer, homier, bigger..."

"It has a fully stocked pantry."

"That too..." Willie looked at Barnabas. "All we need is a TV here, and it'd be like paradise." He continued.

"I think Liz has one hidden in her bedroom for her stories." Barnabas rubbed his head as he scowled. "I'm pretty sure of it because she never goes anywhere, and she's always talking about some couple named Luke and Laura who no one seems to know."

"Barnabas..." Angelique called down unseen from the upstairs. "Wouldn't you like to come up and cuddle?"

"Oh god..." Barnabas cringed as he stood up. "I must be the only person in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare."

Kathryn Leigh Scott voice-over: "Collinwood in 1897, Victoria Winters Stoddard has been thrust… What? It's not time? This voice-over stuff is so hard!"

Several years earlier in 1897, a younger Quentin Collins unaware of his future and destiny waited for his brother, Carl Collins. Resembling Willie Loomis with longer hair, the young Collins brother rushed down the steps to his waiting brother in the drawing room.

"Were you looking for me, brother, dear?" He asked.

"Yes," Quentin looked at him a bit arrogantly. "You're coming with me to the cemetery. We are going to dig up our dear dead cousin Barnabas from the mausoleum."

"What?" Carl was taken aback. "Quentin, that's ghoulish. That's sick. I want no part of it. That's really sick. You need help, you really do. Why would you want to do such a despicable thing?"

"Because we're playing bridge tonight with Edward and we need a fourth!" Quentin answered. "No one ever really dies here, do they?"

"I'll need my coat; it's getting a bit nippy out." Carl headed to the front exit and grabbed his coat off the peg. "Maybe we ought to dig up Jeremiah too and play poker instead."

"No," Quentin grabbed his coat. "He cheats. He's always hiding cards in his bandages and claiming he was buried with them." The doors opened up and slammed them both in the back of their spines into the walls as Victoria Winters returned to this Collinwood after escaping Aristede. Still clad in her clothes from the Twentieth Century, she looked around this century's Collinwood as the doors closed behind her. Quentin and Carl rubbed their bruised heads, groaned and worried about brain damage just before noticing her. She looked back at them and recalled when and where she was. Quentin's eyes panned over her short dress and figure as his demeanor as a smarmy playboy came shining through. Carl rolled his eyes realizing his brother the eternal playboy now had girls coming and looking for him.

"Well, hello," Quentin tried to charm her while he looked round made sure Beth wasn't around watching. "I've never met you before. Are you single?"

"Oh god," Vicki whined a bit. "You're just as pompous as your descendant."

"Who are you?" Carl looked her over with Quentin continuing to fawn over the brunette beauty.

"What?" Vicki thought for a second. "Who am I? Oh, uh... I'm your cousin. Yeah, that's it, a cousin from England."

"Cousin?" Quentin dropped her hand and wondered if even incest was beneath him.

"From England?" Carl and Quentin shared glances as they recalled other cousins from England. Together, they simultaneously reached into the coat pockets and whipped out crucifixes. They held them up to Vicki's face.

"What's wrong with you two?" Vicki asked. "Are you religious nuts are something? You're not Jehovah's Witnesses, are you?"

An hour's walk away at the old mill, Count Andreas Petofi switched his anachronistic TV off and lit his candlestick. It was much darker now than when his show started.

"Oh, Sheldon…" He chuckled. "Will you ever really get it?" He lifted his bobbing candlestick and returned to check on his manservant and their prisoner.

Following his path back through the cold dark chambers, he noticed his ward Aristede lying unconscious on the floor. His eyes panned to the table with the loose shackles. A displeased hacking groan came from his throat from the realization he was leaving his life's affairs to be carried out by incompetents. Another time traveler had escaped them for what seemed liked the hundredth time. He stared down to his worthless flunky wondering why he kept him around and gave him a good swift kick.

"Aristede, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times," Petofi looked up as if he were in a close-up. "Never give them a CHOICE!"


	6. Chapter 6

6

Nancy Barrett voice-over: "Dawn breaks out over Collinwood in the Mel Brooks Universe… You know, I almost did a Mel Brooks movie once, but that stinking Teri Garr got the role instead. I mean, my fake German accent is five times better than hers, and I'm ten times hotter than she is… What? Oh yeah… Dawn has little power to restore Victoria Winters back from history where she has been sent by the power of a séance. Meanwhile, off the estate at the Blue Whale, owner and bar tender Bob Rooney tries wiping off…. Hey, it took me almost an hour to scrape my phone number into that bar!"

Located at the main entry of the Collinsport promenade, a row of sea side restaurants and shops facing the ships coming and going out of the bay, the Blue Whale Bar and Grill served as the main hang-out for much of the locals and the merchants coming and going through the port. Bartender Bob Rooney often had as many as fifteen to twenty customers at one time during the day from opening at 11AM to closing at 12AM. Wiping down the bar, he noticed a message and a phone number scratched into his bar.

"For a good time, call Carolyn – 555-7640…"

Scowling, he wiped at it and wiped at it and wiped at it a bit more. He then scratched at it with the steel wool and then started pounding at it with a hammer to try and get rid of it. Bill Malloy at the table looked over him, and local trollop Ruby Tate stopped trying to proposition another local as the noise bothered her. When the end of the hammer flew off and hit Jason McGuire coming into the bar, Bob didn't notice where the metal tip had flown and looked around under his feet. Jason was meanwhile lying on his back in the doorway as people came in and out stepping over his body. Tossing the hammer handle away, Bob pulled out the electric sander he just happened to have under the counter and created a cloud of dust with flying wood particles as he finally erased Carolyn's vandalism from sight. Grinding and sanding, the sander spewed wood dust everywhere as patrons spread out away from the bar, but Bob finally erased the graffiti. He placed the sander back under, pulled his rag back out and started cleaning the mess while working his way back down the bar. At the other end near his phone, he found more vandalism scratched into his counter.

"For a good time, call Carolyn – 555-7640…"

Bob suddenly broke down and placed his head on the bar silently with his arms over his head. The phone rang loudly, and he jumped up covering his ears then answering the phone.

"Hello?" His scratchy depressed voice responded. "Who are you looking for?" He looked over his customers. "Let me check…" He lowered the phone.

"People, Is there a Miss O'Problem here? Bea, are you here?" He looked around as patrons looked around confused. "Is there a B.O. Problem here?" People now started breaking up laughing. "Do I have a B.O. Problem?"

The entire location was laughing now except Bob.

"Will someone look in the bathroom?" Bob didn't get it. "Is there a B.O. Problem in there?"

"That's not the only one!" Ruby was laughing so much she couldn't breathe, but after repeating it that time, he finally got it. His left eye started twitching, his vein started probing through his forehead and he gritted his teeth with extreme hostility. His caller's pre-adolescent voice was laughing as well.

"You little maggot…" Bob snarled as he wondered who this kid was. "It's you, isn't it? When I find you, I'm going to chop you up and bury you in five different places so your family will never know where you're buried!"

Back at Collinwood, David Collins sat on the edge of the table in the Collinwood foyer. There was an on-going thunder of laughter coming through the phone as David continued cracking with laughter. Rooney hurled a few insults vowing to get him, but David waited until his laughing made it hard for him to breath before hanging up. Behind him, another small presence popped up from out of nowhere behind him.

"Hi, David." Sara's appeared again.

"Sara!" David slammed the phone down and looked at her. She somehow looked even a bit older than last time as if her age was just a bit accelerated; her hair was even curlier, and if possible, she even looked like a new actress. "Why do you look like Kirsten Dunst from Interview with a Vampire?" He asked.

"Because Vicki's stuck in the past and she's altering history. What she does back then will start affecting everything now." Sara answered. "A whole lot of strange things are going to start happening now because of it."

"Like what?" David wondered as a knock sounded at the door. He and Sara's heads turned and watched as Liz stepped from the drawing room, passed by them and entered the small entry hall to the front entry. She barely noticed David and his little friend as she opened the door and noticed who was standing there.

"Hi, Liz," Burke Devlin stood dapperly outside in his light gray suit. "Is Vicki ready for our date?"

"Burke?" Liz stood and stared at him as if she tried to figure out the problem. She even blinked silently without saying a word as her mind tried figuring it out. "Aren't you dead?"

"Dead?" He chuckled then looked at her a bit perplexed himself. It seemed as if he did recall a plane crash in his life. "Well, I... I don't know. I just thought the writers got a little mixed up with the script."

Their heads turned as Barnabas and Quentin came walking from the study after perusing the Collins Family Yearbooks for mentions of Victoria. The words in them were changing and fading out as past events were constantly being altered and their pasts switched and changed back. Barnabas made one look up and recognized Burke.

"Oh no," He sighed a bit. "He's back."

"Burke," Liz did the introductions as David and Sara watched from the table. Sara noticed Barnabas first and ducked down under the table as she remembered to hide from him. "These are my cousins, Barnabas and Quentin," Liz continued with introductions. "I believe you remember Barnabas."

"Yes, of course." Burke shook their hands.

"So, which one are you?" Quentin grinned for one of his usual and sometimes mandatory cornball lines. "Mitchell Ryan or Anthony George?"

"Take your pick," Burke looked back. "We're pretty much interchangeable." He looked around. "So, where is Vicki?"

"We had a little séance last night," Barnabas started again hesitantly. "And we..." He tried to pick and choose his words.

"Lost her in time." Quentin finished for him.

"Again?" Burke couldn't believe it. "What is this a rerun or something?"

"She's screwing up history." David announced from the background as he openly eavesdropped.

"So that explains those Vikings chasing the dinosaurs across the estate as I arrived." Burke suddenly made a look as if it were all so clear. "Well, how bad could it get?"

"Mother!" Carolyn was frantic as she raced down the steps very upset. She briefly noticed Burke and then turned to her mother. "We have got to get Vicki back! She just did the worst thing!"

"What did she do?" Liz wondered. "Briefly change you back to a brunette?"

"Worse!" Carolyn screamed. "She gave me another sister!"

"Oh, Carolyn..." The voice of Amanda Stoddard echoed through the halls of the house as she skipped down the stairs. Looking very much like Donna McKechnie, she was exuberant and peppy and seemingly very happy to be a new member of the family as if she was fully aware of what had happened. At the sight of another daughter in her life, Liz passed out into Burke's arms.

"Oh no," Quentin lamented as he recognized her. "She's back to torment me!"

"I hope you don't mind me borrowing your clothes." Amanda grinned like a merciless big sister. "I promise not to stretch them out." She turned to Burke with a proud grin. "Burke, I'm ready for our date..."

"When pigs fly..." Burke carried Liz to relax on the sofa in the drawing room.

"Don't say that!" Carolyn screamed. "On this series, anything can happen now!"

"Barnabas," Quentin gestured a bit as he tried to talk to the former vampire in secret. "Things are getting out of hand."

"I agree." Barnabas postured a bit as Quentin folded his arms across his chest. "This is getting serious. Vicki can unwittingly unravel all sorts of things from 1897. She could affect your portrait, disrupt world events, stop Willie from releasing me from the tomb and perhaps even bring back Laura." The two of them paused to shudder. They hated that storyline. "The disasters are obvious! There's no limit to the extent of damage that girl could do..."

Quentin just happened to catch a glance at Barnabas's portrait and realized it had inexplicably changed. The pose and clothes were the same, but it was Vicki's face and figure in the familiar attire as she stoically stared out from the paint. The rings were on her fingers as she clutched the familiar wolf-handled cane.

"Don't look at the portrait..." Quentin predicted a huge emotional explosion as he tried to spare Barnabas the indignity. The former vampire glanced back, was taken aback by the new image and turned back holding in his rage and pride.

"This time that girl's gone too far!"


	7. Chapter 7

7

In 1897, Quentin took a shine to Victoria. She was cute, smart and attractive, and if she was a witch, he could take her to Atlantic City and break the banks. He took her to his favorite haunt at the Blue Whale to charm her at his regular table.

"So," He gazed into her angelic and trusting blue eyes. "You're from the future. What's it like there?"

"Well," Vicki sipped her drink. "It's much more relaxed. The clothes are looser, even skimpier. Some girls walk around with their cleavage showing. Sex is used to sell everything from automobiles to food. There's an unending quest for physical perfection and yet living in excess is everywhere..."

"Sounds like Bangor on a Saturday night." Quentin felt he was falling under her charms. "And does everyone time travel?"

"Oh, good heavens, no!" Vicki added as a young man ran into the Blue Whale. He was wearing a strange sort of life preserver jacket and pulled a wild-eyed man with white hair from the bar.

"Doc! Someone's stealing the Delorean!" He yelled.

"Jumping gigawatts!" The old man yelled. "We got to put the club on that damn thing!" They rushed out in a frantic hurry as Vicki turned back to Quentin.

"Well, hardly anyone..." Vicki added to her comment. "So," She looked up starry eyed to the man she believed was Quentin's ancestor. She began wondering if she might be one of his as well. "Do you date a lot?" She asked.

"Oh, hardly ever." Quentin claimed as a blonde girl at the next table scoffed and looked up at him.

"Well," He changed his answer. "I've dated a few girls."

A redhead at another table scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Let's just say," Quentin grinned. "I've broken a lot of hearts."

A brunette at the counter turned round and shot a dirty look at him as all the women in the place stood up and looked at each other. The three waitresses removed their aprons and threw them angrily to the floor before marching out disgustedly with the other twenty-one ladies who couldn't bare to sit around as the Collinwood playboy made advances on yet another. One primly attired guy with long blonde hair wearing pink and light green pants tossed his feather boa over one shoulder, stuck his nose up and joined them outside the Blue Whale.

"What's going on?" Vicki asked.

"He's got to catch a train to San Francisco." Quentin mugged a bit as he sipped his scotch. "The rest of them just have bad attitudes!" He yelled out the women as the women started burning a likeness of him in the town square.

In the present, a very modern Quentin Collins helped to assist Julia in preparing another séance in the main house to retrieve Victoria from the past. Their present continued changing around them and altering the estate as Barnabas looked out his window at the Old House and noticed the Statue of Liberty off shore from Eagle Hill and then looked toward town and saw a huge bustling city full of skyscrapers and a million people. He narrowed his eyes as he peered a bit closer.

"Is that a flying Delorean?" He shrugged it off and turned away. He grabbed his cloak and his silver wolf-handled cane then paused and looked closer to his cane. A gold bulldog head had replaced the silver wolf-head, but he just sighed, rolled his eyes and wandered down the stairs. Angelique stood before him as a devoted wife.

"We have got to do a thing about Victoria screwing up the timeline." He paused at the door. "I'm going to go see Julia to see about the new séance. Stay out of trouble!"

"Why don't you trust me?" Angelique appeared as angelically blameless as possible. "Have I ever hurt you so?"

"Let me put it like this," Barnabas stared into her beautiful blue azure eyes as he leaned forward on to his cane. "You're worse than a jinni I might have had just picked up off a beach. Major Nelson and Darren Stephens have none of the problems I do!"

"Barnabas..." Angelique beamed coquettishly aloof. "I don't know why you don't have more faith in me. What have I ever done to you?"

"Behave yourself." He gave her one last look.

"I'll be the model wife." She smiled. "No more witchcraft." She closed the door on him and braced her back to it. Barnabas made one last look at her and was out the door. Angelique waited a few seconds and then took a deep breath.

"He's gone!" She called out as Sabrina Stuart, Maggie, Carolyn and her new sister Amanda Stoddard rushed out of hiding from the back hall. They all gathered in the parlor as Angelique joined them.

"How are you doing on your witchcraft lessons?" She asked her eager pupils.

"Well," Maggie spoke up first. "I managed to make myself invisible to sneak into the men's steam room at the local YMCA." She paused as the others clapped. She took a few bows before continuing. "It didn't work on my clothes, but I didn't mind slipping in naked, but I sure had a lot of questions to answer when it wore off two hours later."

The girls giggled a bit as Sabrina spoke up.

"I perfected my werewolf curse." She grinned proudly. "I even threatened Chris with it unless he promised to take me out for dinner." The other ladies giggled and hugged her.

"I turned myself into a bird and went flying through the air." Amanda beamed as she recalled the joy of flight. "But then David shot me out of the air with his slingshot!" She rubbed her shoulder. "Tonight, I'm conjuring up a crocodile and putting it in his bed!" There was a bit more cackling laughter as Angelique turned to Carolyn.

"And how is my favorite student?" She asked the heiress.

"Well," Carolyn beamed embarrassingly. "I created a spell for an instant boob job, but then it collided with my spell for flying through the air, and I exploded from the pressure." She admitted. "But I did perfect a vampire curse of my own... but I misplaced it."

Everyone gasped at the shock.

"A vampire curse?" Angelique was taken aback as she placed her hand to her chest a bit worried. "I hope you find it fast, because if Barnabas finds it first, he'll blame me for it!"


	8. Chapter 8

8

There was no one in the foyer that David could see as he grinned and hurried down to use the phone again. Scurrying down the steps, he lifted the receiver and redialed the number to the Blue Whale as he leaned to the table with a sadistic grin on his face very eager to terrorize his favorite target.

"Yes," He replied as Rooney the bartender answered. "I'm looking for someone. Could you page Mr. Freely, first initials, I. P.?" He waited a second as he pretended to check his nails then heard a barrage of laughter come from the phone plus several swear words and curses directed at him. He started laughing at he looked up and saw his father and Aunt Liz coming down the stairs. He quickly hung up the phone.

"Another séance?" Roger was obviously against it. "What is wrong with this family?"

"Roger," Liz looked at him. "Barnabas, Quentin and Julia have been setting it back up again for hours. It could be our only chance to get Vicki back from the past."

"Well," Roger rolled his eyes aggravatedly. "Maybe if I'm lucky I can get sent back to the Ponderosa."

"Hi," Carolyn came through the front door and looked at her family. "Is Vicki back or is she still screwing up the timeline?"

Before Liz could answer, they heard the door at the top of the foyer open and close. Carolyn was coming out from up there too as she started down the stairs.

"So," She started. "Is Vicki back or is she still... Screwing... Up... The... Timeline?" She slowly stopped and looked at herself at the front door. Liz fainted into Roger's arms as David cringed at the sight of another girl in the house. They were so many women in Collinwood as it was the walls were practically dripping in estrogen.

"Oh god!" The Carolyn at the front doors screamed to the ceiling. "Now, I got a twin sister!"

"Good grief!" Roger stared at the two Carolyn's a second and lightly maneuvered David up the stairs. Liz fainted from the shock again into Roger's waiting arms, but she dropped straight through them and hit the floor as Roger laughed and clapped his hands. Quickly, he showed a bit of conscience and lifted his sister to her room, he paused as David cut ahead and Maggie emerged from the upstairs hallway.

"What happened?" The enchanting governess asked.

"Vicki still gone, extra Carolyn pops up, Liz down like bag of rocks..." Roger talked in code as if he were Native American Indian brave giving direction. Maggie looked down from the top landing to the two Carolyn's bickering at each other as to who was the original and tried to avoid them by turning back. She bounced off the door to the upstairs hallway and became a little dazed as Quentin emerged from the drawing room and noticed the two clones. He started to say something then shook it out of his mind as Maggie wandered down to meet him.

"We're ready for the new séance." He told Maggie.

"That's my sweater." Carolyn told her twin.

"No, it's not, it's mine." The twin answered.

"Maybe if you two run into each other, you'll go back together." Maggie suggested.

"What?" One of the Carolyn's looked up. They both took a few steps back and took running starts at each other. Smashing into each other and dropping to the floor, the two blonde clones crashed and fell to the floor groaning in pain.

"You didn't think that was going to work, did you?" Quentin looked at Maggie.

"Course not," Maggie looked at the two Carolyn's on the floor rubbing their injuries. "I just needed a really big laugh!" She stood giggling a bit at them in pain on the floor. "I mean…" She looked back to Quentin chuckling and chortling. "Think I could get them to do it again?"

"Just thank you're lucky stars we're not in a horror movie…" Quentin's sense of humor was a bit more wry and subdued. "They could have just fused into one really big Carolyn, and then none of us would be safe." He gestured and turned into the drawing room. Looking to see if anyone was watching, Maggie embraced the naughty girl in her, grinned again and as one of the clones started standing, she knocked out the legs of her to crash back to the floor. Cackling out loud with laughter, she turned to follow Quentin a bit more eager for another séance to get Vicki back from the past when she turned into the drawing room. She liked Vicki more than the man-hungry blonde. The first thing she noticed was Angelique bound and gagged to a chair at the table. She was fighting like crazy to get loose as Barnabas tightened her restraints.

"What the?"

"Barnabas is ready to send Angelique into the past to get Vicki back!" Amanda Stoddard was present as she happily explained. Barnabas just lightly smiled a bit embarrassingly to be caught in the act.

"Yes, she…" Barnabas tightened and checked the ropes holding his wife to the chair. "…Volunteered."

"Oh brother..." Maggie bumped Barnabas to the side and started untying Angelique. "Angelique, why would you let him do this?"

"I thought he was finally getting kinky." She answered once the gag was removed. She looked up for a second to the two Carolyn's wandering in and looked to her beloved Barnabas. "Don't you understand that I'll never leave you?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that now." Barnabas sighed defeatedly as he sat across from her. "But just you remember we married until death do us part which means after that I'm free to date!"

"You already said that the other day." One of the Carolyn's pointed it out to him.

"Doesn't mean it isn't true!"

"Okay," Julia entered the drawing room carrying a tape player. "I've got David's Sounds of Halloween tape. Now let's really do this séance right." She joined the table with everyone else as Quentin closed the doors and flipped the switch to the lights but this time, they wouldn't go off when he flipped it down. He flipped it up then down again. When they wouldn't go off, he pounded the wall above the switch with his fist and they finally went off.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaayyyy." He grinned and did two thumbs up for a second like another popular television character just before he sat between Angelique and Maggie and across from one of the two Carolyn Stoddards. The empty chair next to Amanda represented Vicki as the two Carolyn's stared uneasily to each other. Neither of them was sure which one was the original.

"Start tape." Julia requested and Quentin hit the button.

"Julia, if Barnabas survives the operation..." The voice of the long lost Dr. Lang spoke from the machine.

"Flip side, oh, master of the sideburns..." Julia sounded a bit condescending as Quentin stopped the tape and flipped it over. Restarted, the room was filled with the sound of organ music and fake howling winds.

"I call upon the other side..." Julia's shadow called out to the darkness. "I wish to speak to the realm where the dead walk..."

"Ah..." The original Carolyn cracked. "The DMV." She and her clone did a high-five at the jke. There seemed to be a real wind in the room other than the sound of the one on the tape. There was a bit of hollow ghostly laughter in the room, but it was hard to tell if the laughter was from the tape or not as the atmosphere started getting darker.

"Is there a spirit in the room?" Quentin asked the darkness.

"Yes, there is..." A empty voice came from over their heads as Angelique sat amazed.

"How many are there of you?" she asked.

"One..." The voice answered not too truthfully then responded to someone else. "Quit shoving you hogs, you'll all get a turn!" The anonymous ghost yelled at the other spirits.

"We are calling upon the ghost of Sara Collins!" Julia beseeched the darkness. Meanwhile, up in the attic of Collinwood, Sara's ghost slid her ethereal body unto the dusty bathtub of an unused bathroom on the top floor and started to relax. She suddenly cocked her head and opened her eyes.

"Never fails..." She stood and reached for a towel to wrap around her small eternally adolescent body. "As soon as I get in the tub, someone starts a séance!"

"We are calling the ghost of Sara Collins." In the drawing room, Julia called out again.

"Open you heart to Tiny Tim, Scrooge!" A different spirit called out. "Celebrate Christmas..."

"Would everyone else get off the line?" Julia called out to the cacophony of voices clambering to get through.

"I was killed by the Kennedys." One of the Carolyn's started channeling Marilyn Monroe as Quentin and Barnabas grinned and whipped out both autograph books and combs to fix their hair, but then Carolyn started laughing and giggling at her little prank. Her new twin-sister started laughing too.

"Who cares?" Maggie reacted. "Can you turn your head all the way around? I'd really like to see that!"

"Look!" Amanda pointed to the once empty chair. Someone was sitting it!

"What am I doing here?" Sabrina Spellman asked confusingly as she looked around the faces amidst the dark shadows in the room. "This isn't my show."

"Would you like to stay?" Quentin asked her as the room filled with ghosts blinking in and out of view. "We could the ratings before ABC gives us an annoying child actor."

"Quentin!" The activity going on was spooking Maggie. The chandelier was shaking and the pictures on the walls were dancing. "Could you look at me for a change?" She suddenly recognized a transparent dancing baby in a diaper started to dance behind her to remind herself that her biological clock was ticking.

"Did we get the ghost of Calista Flockhart?" Angelique asked Barnabas.

"Excuse me?" From another TV series, Phoebe Halliwell had replaced Sabrina. "Is this Dark Shadows? I really loved this show! Can I stay?"

"No!" One of the Carolyn's screamed at her. "I'm the sex symbol on this series and I don't need the competition!"

"You're the sex symbol?" Angelique leaned across to her. "Who do you think gets the most fan mail here?"

"I do." Barnabas and Quentin chorused together and held up their hands as the ghosts were fighting with the switching reality around the table.

"Never mind!" Julia screamed. "She's brunette! We're getting closer!" Around the Great House, poltergeist activity was taking over the house. Housekeeper Miss Johnson was hit by a cream pie to the face by the ghosts of the Three Stooges. A female apparition in the study rearranged the furniture eight times trying to figure out where to put it. In the cellar, undead serial killer Jason Voorhees hid under the stairs, checked his watch and waited another hour for someone to come down the stairs with a candle. When he looked to his left, he noticed the bones of three other movie serial killers who had expired while waiting a bit too long. Upstairs in Liz's bedroom, her bed was spinning around like a merry-go-round with her on it as Roger watched in disbelief.

"Just what are they doing down there?" He asked out loud.

"I wish they'd stop," Liz was getting dizzy. "I'm getting sick."  
"Sara, please return Vicki to us!" Down in the drawing room, Julia beckoned once more to the ghosts of Collinwood.

"Let's stop it." Barnabas tried to make his voice known as the howling and voices and wind continued. "It's not going to work. Sara's not coming." Unseen behind him, Sara popped up from the corner and waved hello to the rest of the family that saw her.

"It was a nice try, but she's just not coming." Barnabas continued as Sara started dancing unseen behind him as the room started calming down.

"She's been dead for over two hundred years." He went on as Sara started mimicking him silently.

"This is the spirit of a little girl..." Barnabas continued unaware of what everyone else was watching her. Sara was twirling his cane like a baton as he talked.

"She's not some god who give us anything we ask." He turned his head just missing seeing her as she tossed out gifts to everyone.

"She's a little girl who died at ten years old." Barnabas answered.

"Eleven." Sara corrected him.

"Are you sure?" Barnabas finally looked at her.

"I died just a few weeks before my next birthday." Sara reminded him. "Don't you remember, Barnabas?"

"My mistake." Barnabas turned round as she vanished into the darkness. The lights popped on as everyone looked and realized that Vicki was back with them. She sat back in the same chair she had vanished from the day before with her eyes closed, her head back and her period dress just a bit disheveled.

"Vicki!" They all grinned ecstatic to have her back.

"Oh, Quentin, you were wonderful..." Vicki gasped a bit out of breath. Yanked out of a romantic tryst, she opened her eyes and looked around a bit upset. "Oh crap! I'm back!"  
Maggie peered over to Quentin a bit jealous.

"I'm sure she meant my ancestor." The roguish scoundrel realized he had a new memory and started recalling Vicki and him together in 1897.

"Vicki, you're back!" Amanda and one of the Carolyn's hugged Vicki.

"Yeah," Vicki looked to the other Carolyn. "Who the hell is this?"

"Our new sisters..." Carolyn stood and folded her arms disgustedly and shifted her weight to one leg. "You created them!"

"Oh god!" Vicki cringed as she had two more sisters to fight with for the bathroom. "How much damage DID I do?"


	9. Chapter 9

9

At the Old house, Barnabas Collins sat in his favorite chair next to the roaring and crackling fire in the fireplace. Content in his book, he was almost happy with his life and where he was.

"Barnabas, I'm home..." Angelique Collins, the nail in his coffin, entered the house once more carrying several shopping bags as she just sort of skipped up to him and grinned happily to him. Over the back of his chair, she hugged and kissed him.

"Did you miss me?" She asked him.

"With every bullet so far..." Barnabas mumbled under breath, but she had obviously heard him as she turned around and pouted adorably to him.

"Oh, you love me," She insisted. "I know you do." She dropped her bags and settled into his lap. "Go ahead and say it, you really do love me...come on..."

"Okay..." Barnabas just hated being pestered. "Yes, I love you." He said it flatly to humor her.

"I knew it!" She gave him a big kiss to his lips and lifted herself back to her feet.

"I really don't..." He mumbled even lower.

"Barnabas..." She spun around upon hearing that and sat on the small sofa across from him. "I don't get you sometimes..." She started crying as her chin quivered from the hurt emotions overwhelming her. "I work so hard to make you a very nice home and cook you warm meals and buy nice dresses so I can look beautiful for you, and you do..." She pulled a handkerchief out and started dabbing the tears from her eyes. "You do nothing...but... but... Tease me and say bad things. What are our children going to think when they hear that you just..."

"Wait a second," Barnabas heard the word, 'children.' "What children?" He asked. Angelique dabbed her eyes of her tears and started looking around very guilty.

"Oh my lord," Barnabas stared at her. "What did you do to me?"

"Well," Angelique blew her nose. "Last week, you looked so cute laying in bed asleep there with your arms crossed over your chest, so I..."

"Angelique, what have you done?" He stared at her scared to death of what was going to happen. "Don't you know how kids ruin TV shows? They're nothing but ratings killers. The Cosby Show, Growing Pains, Married With Children, Bones, Ghost Whisperer, um...uh... that show with Michael J. Fox... all done in by horrible child actors! You've destroyed us all!"

"But Barnabas..." She tried to shine a bit. "This will be our baby. We will love him and raise him and take care of him and even if the show goes off the air, he will be there to take the lead in a new reunion movie."

"I guess so..." Barnabas stood and sat down next to her as he pulled her close. "I'll love little whatever too. I know I have a hard time saying this, but..." He kissed her cheek. "I love you too, and I will be there as long you need me forever and..."

"Barnabas!" Willie ran into the Old House. "Quentin sent me to get you. It's wet t-shirt night at the Blue Whale!"

"And forever and ever..." Barnabas continued talking as he stood, walked into the foyer and reached for his cloak and his cane. "I'll do anything you want. You just remember, I will be there..." He turned to Willie. "I hope Carolyn doesn't join in. It always kills things when one of them is a relative..."

Angelique sat on the sofa and crossed her arms as her left leg bounced up and down on her right. She stared into the fire in the fireplace as its flames reflected in her eyes.

"I may have to put the curse back on him to show him who's boss here." She reached to her abdomen. "Would you like that? Would you like to get daddy? Would you like some ice cream and sardines? I know I sure would..."


	10. Chapter 10

10

Victoria Winters Stoddard was back to the present as Roger Collins slowly got used to the lasting side effects from her altering the timeline. There were so many women in the house now that the place was now practically dripping in estrogen. Carolyn had bonded with her new twin sister, Caroline, as the two now both obsessed over men, clothes and their looks. The two of them looked like bookends as Carolyn's nightshirt had the words "Things May Be Larger" Than They Appear" stenciled across her chest and Caroline's had the words "Easily Distracted" across her chest. The two of them were wrapped up in their highly materialistic conversation on their wardrobe.

"Finally someone to talk normal stuff with!" Carolyn shrieked with glee as Roger looked over the new twins in the house.

"I'm suddenly in the mood for some double mint gum." He commented for the moment. His other new niece was Amanda Stoddard, a short auburn-haired beauty with the figure of a dancer and an almost mystical bearing that annoyed him to the end of the world. The only bad thing about her was… she was here.

"Father!" David came running up to him. "There's an alligator in my bed!"

"Honestly, David!" Roger looked down to his obviously distraught son. "Where do you get these ludicrous ideas? There is no alligator in your bed!" He looked up to Amanda not so suspiciously loitering in the corridor outside the bedrooms at the top of the back stairwell. She started past them and paused by David and her Uncle Roger.

"Actually..." She beamed happily. "I think it was a crocodile, but tomorrow night, he could have the wolf man in his closet!" She giggled and went on her way. She stopped and checked her appointment book. "I just hope Chris Jennings isn't booked!" She continued on her way.

"David," Roger prodded his son off. "Off to bed and don't feed the alligator, I mean, crocodile, otherwise we'll never be rid of it." He sighed as he took his fatherhood with a grain of salt. He rolled his eyes back to this mad house in which he was living as he grumbled and talked to himself.

"Why do I keep living here?" He asked himself. "Why do I put up with family members who become even more eccentric for everyday I know them? I might have been better off as an actor. Yes, an actor. I could see myself as an actor standing on the stage doing Shakespeare." He stepped from the hall out on to the balcony in the foyer and pictured it as a stage with himself before a huge audience of admirers.

"To be or not to be..." He started a soliloquy to an imaginary audience. "That is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the spears and fortunes of endless torture..." Victoria stepped out of the drawing room and stared up to him.

"To sleep… Per chance to dream, Aye, there's the rub…" Roger added.

"Mother," She called to Liz. "Uncle Roger thinks he's Olivier again."

"Roger!" Liz picked up and threw a book at his head as her brother reeled back, stumbled forward and took a header off the balcony and landed on the floor a few feet from them. He barely had time to scream.

"He's getting harder and harder to get out of that personality." Liz commented as she and Vicki started up the stairs. They crossed the balcony as Roger stared up to them in stunned silence. Slamming the door to the hall loosened and dropped a section of the banister to crash down on top of him, and he cried out from the resulting concussion.

"Good night, mother." Vicki kissed her mother and continued to her room.

"Good night, dear." Liz kissed her only normal daughter glad to have her returned safely to the present. Entering her room, she removed her robe and sipped the tea she had been carrying and then listened at the door. The house seemed quiet and the hall seemed clear as she flicked a secret switch in the support of her canopy bed. The Tate painting on her wall slid up to reveal the only television on the entire estate.  
"The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson..." It blared out as Liz turned the volume down before getting into bed. "Starring actress Lara Parker, comedian Jeff Foxworthy, author Stephen King and Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo..."

Beyond the room, Vicki didn't hear a thing in her room at her end of the hall as she draped her wrap over a chair by her bed and paused by her nightstand to sit and brush her long hair. As she stared into her reflection, she noticed her face was just a bit more perfect as she looked a bit closer. Some of her freckles were vanishing as her little wrinkles around her eyes started disappearing. Her bosom seemed a bit rounder, fuller and more perfect than she recalled as her eyes bounced from it to her reflection and down to it. She started to call to her mother and opened her mouth to notice that two of her upper teeth were a bit longer and sharper, a bit more oriented to biting the necks of her victims. As she watched, her eyes widened to notice that her reflection started getting transparent and fainter. It continued fading away until she realized that she no longer had a reflection, and it was just the reflection of her room behind her in the mirror and she wasn't included in it.

"Carolyn!" She screamed. "I found your vampire curse!" She looked at her missing reflection then upon her new figure. "I think I could work with this."

In the West Wing, Maggie lifted her head up to the call then lowered her head once more into Quentin's bed and romantically cuddled with him a bit more. Lying in his bed, they kissed each other as he looked back upon her with love and respect. His arm pulled the lovely governess closer as they kept their relationship a secret from the rest of the family.

"Well," Quentin kissed her. "Vicki's back home and the family is back to…" He paused a second. "…What passes as normal around here."

"Yeah," Maggie thought for a minute. "But Quentin, something's bothering me…" She paused trying to think of the right words. "I originally came to Collinwood from that foundling home because I thought it might help me identify who my family was, and all I've learned it that my father used to be an artist who lived here in town along time ago, but what if as the circumstances suggest is that Mrs. Stoddard is my mother? I mean, we could be related and you could have just had sex with your cousin's daughter." She looked up demurely to him but very much in love.

"Maggie," Quentin stared up to the ceiling a bit worried. "Did you have to bring that up? That's so incredibly far fetched that's there's no possible way it could be true. I mean… it's not like we're some kind of an incredibly elaborate television soap opera!" He pulled her close and kissed her as they both heard a rustle in the room. He and Maggie looked up to a shadow behind the curtains in the window with Buzz Hackett crawling through their window behind it.

"Carolyn," He looked at them. "Is that you?"

"Her bedroom is three windows to your left!" Maggie called out. Buzz slipped through the window once more as the lights of Collinwood started going off one at a time. The huge mansion was going quiet and dark as one relative after another started going to sleep.

"Good night, Uncle Roger." Carolyn called out.

"Good night." Roger answered. "Good night, Vicki."

"Good night." Vicki responded. "Good night, David."

"Good night." David answered. "Good night Maggie, Uncle Quentin."

"Good night." Quentin and Maggie chorused together.

"Good night, Carolyn." Liz called out.

"Good night, John Boy..." Carolyn cooed.

"Carolyn, let that boy go home!" Liz yelled back.

"Good Night, Collins family…" A weird, creepy voice echoed through the house and started chuckling with everyone now screaming their heads off. Within seconds, all the lights in Collinwood were back on.

END


End file.
